Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
mood
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?