84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[eulogy]
line?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.