My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”