Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes