I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
You deplete me
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My kitchen overserved me.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”