The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end