[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.