When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.