Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?