they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
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In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Is….Is this an option?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.