Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression