Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.