Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
me when the borders lift
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says