doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Message from the dog groomers
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Seals are just dog mermaids.