Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Livid.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
That de-escalated quickly
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.