Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I am never leaving this website
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.