I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My love language is deader than Latin
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart