Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
FRED: right
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
no refunds
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet