I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
You Might Also Like
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
accurate
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.