Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.