Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
#Caturday
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
best review i’ve ever seen
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?