“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I already tried new things thanks.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.