If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Need this in my life lol
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.