wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt