[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That鈥檚 it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can鈥檛 fire my kids
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they鈥檙e sure lucky I don鈥檛 have a life
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.