if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me when my alarm goes off
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The Weeknd is back