[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Fidel Castro was alive?
Facebook memories be like
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight