Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.