Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
What?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My life coach traded me.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”