Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so