Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Storm Tropical Storm
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.