What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
You Might Also Like
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count