two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!