Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Most fashion shows these days…
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?