Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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The Book. The Movie.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.