My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.