My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
PLOT TWIST:
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Would you wear it?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
#catsoftwitter
[at the general store]
me: one general please
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive