Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something