[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?