every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.