Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.