Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.