[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.