“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.