The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
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Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]