The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do