Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit