Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
But I really needed water water water
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Knock Knock
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]