RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Just a bush.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.