I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
@funTweeters
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…